Sahara Parody
by bookcat123
Summary: This is a parody of Breck Eisner's Sahara, which was based on the book by Clive Cussler.


_Sahara_

Scene 1: _The Last Ironclad_, As Well As The Only One In This Film

Coin: *flip*

Houses: *burn*

Horses: This was _so_ not in our contract.

Random Young Soldier: Captain, I love you!

Captain: You carry my future!

Random Old Soldier: Mysterious boxes stowed and ready, captain!

Yankees: Halt in the name of the law!

Rebels: That'd be _your_ law, landlubbers! By the way, what kind of a blockade is only on shore?

Yankees: We shoot you!

Ironclad: Hey, my name's the _Texas_. Not Ironclad. The _Texas_. T-E-X- My line? Oh, right. Ahem. OW!

Captain: Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!

Officer: What torpedoes, sir? We barely got submarines!"

Yankees: Run away!

Tree: Ow.

Captain: Stop here so we can admire the fireworks.

Officer: Captain?

Captain: I said I want to see the pretty fireworks!

Random Soldier: About time you showed up!

Fog: Hey, my make-up takes a while.

Random Soldier 2: Why are we all holding beer kegs? Can I have some?

Soldier with Diary: I want my Mommy!

Ironclad The _Texas_: Watch me morph into beautiful art! I am a model, baby!

Breck Eisner: Watch me sum up the main character!

Cigar: Got ya! I bet you think someone's here, don't you? Well, he left the continent weeks ago, and I'm just trying to start a fire…

Newspaper: Hey! Over here! I can tell you what the plot is!

Postcard: Sahara.

Audience: Wait, was that the official title?

Sea Monster: Ready for my cameo. What? You just drew me? I'm suing!

Clinton (to Sandecker): Hillary's coming! Can you tell her I was with you the whole time?

Sandecker: Taxi?

Calendar: So, yeah. They're either in Lagos or Australia. I have no idea where in Australia.

Environmentalists: He left the water on! DOOM ON YOU!

Audience: We get it already! Show the people! And why's all this stuff on?

The _Texas_: Don't forget me! How would you anyway, I'm way more exciting. Did I have to shrink?

Eisner: Deal with it.

Globe: Time to go to Lagos, Nigeria.

Audience: FINALLY!

Cussler Fans: Hey, you're not Dirk!

Eva: Sike! Eva Rojas, World Health Organization. Remember that, because from now on I'm going to say W.H.O.

Audience: Who?

Eva: He's on first.

Scene 2: _Outbreak_, If You Use The Word

Tea Kettle: Welcome to the sick room of the poor!

Mom: He and his dad were in Mali.

Eva: Aw, fiddlesticks.

Frank, or Fred: No kidding.

Kid: *panics*

Eva: Outbreak!

Frank or Fred: Now, now, no need to be hasty.

Eva: Outbreak!

Frank or Fred: Civil war.

Eva: But we need to find the source, or there won't be any goal for us in this movie.

Frank or Fred: …Okay.

Turbaned Hit Man: Prepare to die.

Dirk: I'm just diving. Don't mind me. There's obviously no reason for me to be in this scene.

Eva: Anybody home? Dead body! Outbreak! I'm not wearing my mask, I'm gonna die!

Turbaned Hit Man: Good.

Eva: Other people! Help me! He tried to kill me!

Other people: Yeah, we're with him.

Turbaned Hit Man: *pulls shiny knife*

Giant fork: *stabs hand holding knife*

Dirk: Yo, reverse gravity! Guess there was a reason for me to be here.

Turbaned Hit Man: You got my knife bloody! I kill you!

Dirk: Hey, we're not even to the middle of the show, you really want to take on the star?

Turbaned Hit Man: *runs away*

Dirk: Wonderful day, ain't it?

Eva: …

Scene 3: _Underworld Contact_, And No, It's Not Selene

Eva: Ow, my throat… where am I?

Sailor Figurine: An office a lot similar to Dirk's. Except neater. And on a boat. Ship.

Eva: Must have hit my head harder than I thought.

Al: Hey, hurry up and help me fix this, whoever you are.

Eva: *holds tools*

Al: Well, finally. Oh, sorry, you're the woman who was unconscious. Don't I feel awkward.

Rudi: Hi there. Hey, you had a medical mumbo jumbo…

Eva: Hello, I'm a doctor?

Rudi: Right. And you're on a Numa boat. Ship. Thing.

Eva: Yeah, the statue said.

Sandecker: Hey, don't ruin the big day by drowning him!

Rudi: Aye, aye, Admiral!

Eva: What?

Dirk: Ta-Da!

Audience: Who wasn't supposed to drown? Dirk or the statue of the king?

Sandecker: Well, preferably they both make it up… however, if I have to pick…

Dirk: Al, you're an idiot.

Al: You're a bigger one.

Sandecker: Children, children. You got a deadline.

Dirk and Al: Yes, Dad.

Dirk: Hey! Long time no see! You lost your bag.

Eva: Oh, right. I lost my bag! Outbreak!

Dirk: Hey, you're too pretty to die. You're my co-star.

Eva: Do I really have to put up with him the whole movie?

Eisner: He's paying for it.

Sandecker: *yells orders*

Eva: *salutes*

Sandecker: Actually, I'm retired, but don't tell the boys that.

Al: Can you tie my tie? I don't remember what the rabbit does.

Dirk: He goes down a hole saying "I'm late, I'm late," works as the mailman for a while then becomes a politician. Classic story.

Al: …

Dirk: Just buy clip-ons. Excuse me while I go meet my mob representative about some gold.

Audience: Should we be worried?

Sandecker: This is my buddy Yves Massarde!

Audience Who Haven't Read The Book: Eve? Isn't that a girl's name?

Cussler Fans: Wow. Does he really pronounce it like that?

Rudi: Dirk's AWOL.

Al: Can we join him?

Dirk: *walks down dark dirty alley in immaculate white suit*

Mothers in Audience: *cringe*

O'Shoddy: Buy my illegal goods!

Dirk: Why would I do that?

O'Shody: Because I have proof of a Civil War gunship wrecked in the desert!

Dirk: How much?

Sandecker: Massarde, Eva Rojas and partner. Eva, Massarde. Massarde works in Mali, hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

Massarde: I hear there's a plague in Mali. He's not as subtle as he thinks he is.

Frank or Fred: Well, we wouldn't want to get over excited.

Eva: Plague! Outbreak! War! Famine! Disease!

Massarde: You wanna die? Er, I mean, I would hate for you to…uh, die.

Eva: Outbreak!

Massarde: Oh, right. That.

Eva: Thanks for nothing.

Scene 4: _Boat Trip._ Ship. Thing.

Dirk: Okay, listen up. . Got it?

Sandecker: Someone give him a straight jacket.

Dirk: I'll buy it myself if you lend me your expensive boat for three days. With this coin that proves I'm right.

Sandecker: Oh, fine. But I better get it back without a scratch.

Al: Dude, that is so impossible.

Eva: You're late.

Dirk: *still in immaculate white suit* An explorer is never late, Eva Rojas. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Al: What time is it, anyway?

Eva: We're going with you.

Dirk: Funny, doc.

Eva: Outbreak! Epidemic! Repossession of your boat!

Dirk: Hey, not the boat! You can come! Sheesh!

Turbaned Hit Man: I am so fired.

Dirk: *obligatory shot of star driving*

Al: *drives*

Eva: How do you drive this thing?

Al: Easy. I'll show you.

Eva: *drives*

Al: *sleeps*

Al: Pitt stop!

Eva: Don't you mean pit stop?

Al: No, I mean Dirk Pitt has declared a stop in an unknown town in a country in the midst of civil war 'cause he wants to buy you a present.

Dirk: Impossible glow-in-the-dark underwater wings!

Eva: Thanks?

Eva: Let's go here!

Frank or Fred: The front lines?

Eva: Yeah, it'll be exciting.

Al: I am so the real star of this show.

Dirk: You just keep thinking that.

Frank or Fred: *cooks*

Al: Food!

Eva: Al has explained why you need a straight jacket.

Dirk: I'll admit Tombs needed one.

Eva: So it must be nice to have a boat as an office. Better have good paper weights.

Dirk: Ah, well. Water cause good things…Say, I met you in the water, and we're on the water now…

Eva: So we are.

Scene 5: _Ship of DEATH_

Frank or Fred: So is this going to be safe?

Omar: Of course. Perfectly safe. No Tuareg.

Frank or Fred: How about no soldiers?

Omar: What, you expect no shooting in a military dictatorship? But it will at least be disciplined shooting.

Eva: This yours? Our stuff's all mixed up…

Dirk: Thanks. Hey, want to plan our happy ending?

Eva: Busy.

Dirk: Beautiful beach. Crashing surf. No one else but you and me in sight. Crazy souped-up antique car.

Eva: I am so there.

Audience: What's with the car?

Cussler Fans: Crazy souped-up antique cars are a necessity of life.

Dirk: Hey, I'm looking for the guy who found this coin.

Woman: Ahhh! Alas! Alack!

Al: He's on vacation?

Dirk: He's dead.

Al: Great, now we're stuck at this café until we figure out how to say check in Mali.

Dirk: *ignores him*

Al: You do realize this is a wild ironclad chase?

Voices: *chant*

Dirk: *stares into distance* Hey, shiny thing! *wanders off*

Al: If I sit here and talk to myself, can I be the star of the show?

Dirk: Wow, if this ceiling were any lower, I'd need a haircut.

Teacher: Of course I'll help you look for your impossibility. When might it have dropped by?

Dirk: 1866.

Teacher: Pish. That means nothing. Our time is such that it cannot be found except by those who already know when it is. And sparrows, of course.

Dirk: Storm.

Teacher: Much clearer.

Teacher: Cursed! Death! Outbreak! Damnation from Allah!

Dirk: Cool.

Dirk: Hey, the ironclad is no longer the Texas. From here on in, it is to be called…the Ship of DEATH!

Al: Cool.

Texas Ship of Death: …I like it.

Rudi: I wanna go home.

Rudi: Got something.

Dirk: Gold?

Al: Trash?

Rudi: Never mind. It's just mysterious ominous red algae that will never be explained.

Eva: That does not look safe.

Frank or Fred: That's just the government.

Scene 6: _Panama_, AKA Nicaragua

Guard: Yes, of course you may carry concealed guns on you while you visit the head of the country. No, this will not get me fired at all.

Massarde: Happy birthday!

Kazim: Used guns with outdated ammunition! Sweet!

Massarde: Oh, ah… those doctors you told me to keep away are already in your country because I angered them so much they decided not to wait for legal channels.

Kazim: Never send a woman to do a man's job.

Massarde: And just to put my neck on the line further, I shall now criticize the way you run your country.

Kazim: O shut up, you can't even kill one woman. I can kill thousands.

Rudi: I think I'll keep some of this algae for lunch later.

Guard: Stand still so we can shoot you.

Phone: Hey get this smelly shirt off me already!

Al: Hi, are you more interesting than guards?

Sandecker: Most definitely. I'm your boss.

Al: Dirk? I prefer the guards. You deal with the boss.

Dirk: Are you kidding? I'd rather help you with the guards.

Sandecker: Guards?

Dirk: This is the only sentence I know how to say in English, so you shouldn't try to communicate in it because it's only a second language for you anyway and this is actually Spanish, so you can't arrest us because Spain fights bulls.

Guard: …

Al: Suckers!

Boat: *flips*

Al: They stole my hat! *pouts*

Guard Boat: *appears out of nowhere and tries to run over Sandecker's boat*

Dirk: Hey! You nearly scratched the boat! Come back here! *jumps onto boat kicking and biting*

Al: Did he just do what I think he did?

Rudi: When are we getting him that straight jacket?

Guard: I shall attack you with a dull sword because I had samurai fantasies as a kid and guns are boring.

Dirk: Well, for a samurai you can't hold onto your sword very well. How about a punching match?

Second guard: Well, I'm more of a pragmatist. You see, Hume once said… Oh, never mind. *pulls gun*

Dirk: *ducks*

Al: Over here!

Second guard: Fine, then I shoot you!

Al: Oops.

Dirk: Ah, leave the poor guy alone, he's just my sidekick.

Second guard: Fine, I shoot you! No, wait. I forgot! I need to drive!

Al: Well, you jumped over there yourself, so you just jump right back!

Dirk: You're a lot of help.

Rudi: Hey, we got some on shore too! It's a Union blockade!

Al: Just use the flare.

Rudi: Dude, I don't think that will work. I mean, I think this is already Mali's version of the Coast Guard, so I don't know who's going to come.

Al: Just aim directly at them and I think they'll get the message.

Rudi: *shoots driver of truck*

Gunman: Why would I ever investigate the smoke coming from the cab? *truck drives off cliff and swan dives into river*

Rudi: I give it a 9.8.

Dirk: All right, I'll come back. You guys are having too much fun without me.

Second Guard: I shoot you! Oh no, I forgot to drive!

Guard Boat: Since the truck's in the river, I think I'll check out the land…

Al: That was cool. Our windshield even magically reappeared.

Dirk: We should do that again.

Sandecker: Am I talking to myself here?

Rudi: I shot a guy with a flare gun! [Sorry, that line is too good to parody.]

Dirk: I can't believe I missed that!

Sandecker: Stop screwing around guys, this is serious. I'm your boss, remember?

Al: Hey, more guards! Let's play with them and ignore the boss some more!

Sandecker: Listen to me! Hey! If any of those bullets I hear scratch my boat, you're fired!

Al: Oh, drat. The windshield broke _again_.

Rudi: Al, your driving sucks.

Sandecker: Did you hear me? Not a scratch on the boat!

Dirk: Let's blow the boat up so he can't see the scratches.

Al: Good idea.

Sandecker: No! Bad idea! Very bad idea!

*Insert Panama dialogue here. There's nothing funnier outside of Nicaragua.*

Sandecker: Not funny!

Al: Good Rudi. Just do as you're told and everything will be alright.

Rudi: You guys really scare me sometimes.

Dirk: Too bad. Go fetch.

Al: Here, have a smoke, it'll calm you.

Rudi: But that's the boss's!

Al: Don't worry. He won't be able to tell once we blow everything up.

Rudi: I don't like this train of logic.

Dirk: Abandon ship!

Rudi: I hate swimming. And where's the life guard? Is this legal?

All Boats: *explode in fiery explosion of guard-killing pyrotechnics*

Sandecker: They could have turned the phone off first.

Rudi: Wow! I get your logic!

Dirk: Actually, I didn't think that would happen. I just wanted to hide the evidence that we'd scratched the boat.

Al: I forgot my hat. Now it's all blown up. *pouts*

Audience: What hat? Didn't he lose it already?

Scene 7: _The Well_ And All The Area Around It

Al: Rudi, go back and apologize to the boss for us.

Dirk: And tell him we're changing our itinerary.

Rudi: Why can't I go with you? I'd rather fight some more guards than face the boss and tell him we blew up his boat!

Dirk: Obviously, the guards were shooting at us instead of the doctors because they want the doctors to die, and I'm in love with Eva so we can't allow that.

Al: Bye, Rudi. Good luck.

Rudi: …

Dirk: Camels.

Al: Do we have to?

Al: I hate camels. And turbans.

Frank or Fred: Let's play hide-and-seek in the dark.

Eva: I found some dead chickens still in their coop, do you think that's a bad sign?

Frank or Fred: I don't know. Let's ask someone.

Eva and Frank or Fred: *walk into town* Oh.

Eva: This does not belong in a parody.

Frank or Fred: No, it doesn't.

*editor chops scene and cries*

Rudi: *escapes by pretending to be a sheep*

Eva: Uh, hey. The well's dry. They must have filled it in because the water was making them sick. There's no possibility that they died of dehydration.

Frank or Fred: Why don't we make Omar go down since he's the side character?

Eva: Thanks, but I think I'll actually be safer in the well.

Frank or Fred: Just stay down there a sec while I go chat with the nice soldiers.

Eva: Sounds good. *collects sample*

Omar: *is shot*

Eva: This is not good.

Scene 8: _General Kazim Questions Frank_ Through Aggressive Negotiations

Dirk: A helicopter! Cool!

Kazim: Okay, I'm here. Where's the other doctor?

Eva: Not good at all.

Frank or Fred: What other doctor?

Kazim: You bore me. Die.

Al: That wasn't good.

Dirk: Look, Eva's bag that no one else has noticed.

Kazim: You may indulge in destruction, just frame the other side for it.

Soldiers: Yee-haw!

Random Soldier: Let's shoot the well.

Eva: This can't get any worse. Unless it rains. It always rains in movies when someone says that.

Eisner: Yeah, but since you caught on, it's no fun anymore.

Dirk: Hey! Don't shoot the well, I want water.

Random Soldier: Where'd you come from?

Al: Backstage.

*Fighting ensues. Shooting and acrobatics vie for attention.*

Camel: This wasn't in my contract. Where's those horses? Can we get a class action going here?

Sea Monster: I'm in!

Eva: My name is Eva Rojas! You killed my partner! Prepare to die!

Dirk: Woah, woah! Mustn't hate, mustn't hate! At least not so overtly…Must disguise our hate…

Al: What's wrong? She's a good shot.

Audience: Did she just call him Frank, or Fred?

Scene 9: _Tuareg Country, _Though Kazim Says It's His

Radio: Babble babble squwack!

Dirk: Oh, be quiet. So, this is the Tuareg district. I will be your guide today. We expect an easy drive. On your left…

Al: Let me remind you of nearly being killed.

Eva: Thanks bunches.

Kazim: This soldier is the lone survivor of a Tuareg ambush.

Massarde: Your point?

Kazim: Minus the Tuareg, of course.

Massarde: …

Kazim: YOUR FAULT!

Massarde: Hardly.

Kazim: Find them. Then give them time to escape by bringing them to me alive instead of just killing them.

Dirk: This is just the place for an Ambush. Meaning, of course, a sort of Surprise, not a gorse-bush…

Eva: Isn't this supposed to be an easy drive?

Al: I'm a walking arsenal!

Dirk: You are comic relief.

Eva: You guys really worry me at times.

Dirk: To continue our tour, if you look to your right, you will see the advance scouts of the ambush…

Tuareg: Boo!

Dirk: They're Tuareg, in case you can't tell.

Al: Hola. Que pasa?

Tuareg kids: Prisoners! Cool! Can we see? Party!

Dirk: Hey, pause the captive procession for a sec so I can admire the crazy souped-up antique car!

Cussler fans: There it is.

Modibo: Who or what are you supposed to be?

Dirk: On your side. Whatever that is.

Modibo: Are you useful?

Al: That's a funny one.

Eva: Ignore the clowns, I'm useful. Got any sick people?

Modibo: Outbreak!

Eva: Indeed.

Scene 10: _It's Not a Plague_, It's Superman

Al: A bunch of kids are beating me at soccer.

Eva: Well, that's a funny color.

Eva: Un-outbreak! Poisoned water!

Sandecker: So, about Mali…

CIA guy: Your two idiots are posing for target practice, I know.

Sandecker: Go risk your life and career to get them out.

CIA guy: Keep dreaming.

Sandecker: October 27, 1982.

CIA guy: Yes, sir. Would you like me to pick up some eggs while I'm there?

Audience: Wow, what's October 27, 1982?

Eisner: No idea, but it sounds cool, doesn't it?

Audience: *grumblegrumblemurdergrumble*

Dirk: Your water's poisoned. Why am _I_ telling you this instead of the doctor?

Modibo: Who knows? But you have to leave. Kazim's tracking you and we can't, of course, ambush them like we normally do.

Dirk: Why not?

Modibo: Who knows? Like my car?

Dirk: Absolutely love it!

Modibo: I borrowed it from Kazim.

Dirk: Boy are you in debt.

Al: A bunch of kids are beating me at hacky-sack.

Ball: You suck so bad I'd rather go cave exploring.

Al: Woah, cave drawing of an ironclad. Do those time periods even overlap?

Al: I know something you don't know!

Al: Ta-da! Art criticism 101. The figures look like they should be hunting wooly mammoths, don't they? Why am I helping you win our bet?

Dirk: Okay, to summarize: . Obviously, the source of the poison will be leaking into the river right next to where the Texas sank because otherwise our storylines wouldn't match right.

Eva: Cool.

Scene 11: _Decision-Making Paradigm _of Heroes

Sandecker: What smells? Do I need a shower?

Rudi: No, I do.

Sandecker: Well, why didn't you take one before you took a nap on my couch?

Rudi: I will in a sec, but first, let's play charades. Hey Admiral, guess what happened to your boat?

Sandecker: Well, I was kind of on the phone at the time…

Rudi: *imitates bomb*

Sandecker: Go take a shower.

Dirk: Hey look at that random fort that's still standing and looks exactly the same as the drawing. Let's look for the river pollutant, because I don't see the Texas.

Rudi: Apparently I stripped in the Admiral's office, because my clothes are there, and I'm walking around in a towel. Oh, hey, that mysterious algae. I think I'll test the water it's in.

Al: Whichever writer came up with this next line, I salute you. Ahem. Well, we're in the middle of a desert, looking for the source of a river pollutant, using as our map a cave drawing of a civil war gunship, which is also in the desert. So I was just wondering when we're gonna have to sit down and reevaluate our decision-making paradigm.

Dirk: Oh, lighten up, it's a movie.

Dirk: Shiny thing!

Al: What is it?

Dirk: A solar energy plant run by Massarde.

Al: How can you tell from here?

Dirk: I can't, but that's what the script says. It also says there's really heavy security, with machine guns and stuff. Let's break in.

Camel 1: …and then he actually swung on my neck –

Camel 2: Shh! Camera's rolling!

Camel 3: So?

Train: *sounds horn*

Camels: *imitate horn*

Dirk, Al, and Eva: *arise from shallow graves*

Al: *leaps onto train*

Guard: Hey a camel!

Dirk: *leaps onto train*

Guard: Another one?

Eva: Wait for me, guys! *swings around on the side of the train like a monkey*

Guard: Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is conspiracy. What's with the camels?

Al: Down the hatch.

Rudi: *gasp* There's poison in the river!

Audience: Yeah, old news.

Rudi: Cue the dramatic music! Admiral! I have world-changing news!

Sandecker: Horrors! A blotch on a graph!

Scene 12: _Source _of Plotline

Dirk: Follow me down the overgrown sewer!

Eva: I thought we were on a train?

Al: Don't question the incredible adventurousness!

Machine voice: Please keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Dirk: WooHoo! Radioactive rollercoaster! The sun vaporizes the toxins!

Eva: Yeah, but we can't ride it now, look. They're driving off with those containers that are clearly labeled "toxic waste do not dump."

Al: Wait. If you vaporize it, doesn't it become air pollution?

Worker: Do-de-do-de-do… Not doing anything illegal…

Lights: Nope, of course not, nobody sees a thing.

Worker: Stupid motion sensor. What do I have to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

Al: Hallo. Wie geht es Ihnen?

Eva: …

Al: Dude, it's the never-ending cave!

Dirk: Any chance this toxic waste that is openly oozing all over could be poisoning the water?

Prisoners: Can't we at least have gloves or something? How are we still alive when entire villages have died? How often does Kazim take prisoners?

Eva: Modibo said they were dead! Zombies!

Al: I do believe Massarde is starting to get on my nerves just a bit.

Dirk: Time to call in the calvary? What kind of a line is that? I have no backup whatsoever, I was the one who wanted to break in here, and as the hero I'm obviously going to end up taking care of this myself anyway.

Massarde: Good evening, Eva. *ignores all men*

Ambassador: Emergency, eh? Why are you telling the government then?

Sandecker: Rudi?

Rudi: Doomsday. Next Thursday.

Ambassador: Oh, is that all? Take a number, I'll get back to you.

Sandecker: Is your salary really coming from my taxes?

Scene 13: _We're Home Free Now_, All We Need is a Way Out

Dirk: Ow, my head.

Al: Stop shaking me, I have a hangover. Where am I?

Dirk: A truck in the Sahara, isn't it cool? Where's my costar?

Al: Oh, thanks.

Massarde: I'm sending the trouble makers to you to deal with, but I accidentally annihilated the doctor. So sorry. But really, what'd you want her for anyway?

Audience: Nooooooooo!

Eva: Oh stop panicking, I'm right here.

Massarde: Don't you love me now?

Eva: Why would I?

Massarde: Talk! Who knows I'm a no-good polluting crook?

Eva: Your mom.

Massarde: This is really a wonderful new technology, but the sand hates me. *pouts* So I pollute it! Mwahahaha!

Eva: You're polluting the river.

Massarde: River? Hon, you're in a desert. I bet you think there's an ironclad here too. Now tell me, who do I have to kill to keep your disappearance secret?

Eva: The whole world!

Massarde: Just you, then.

Eva: Drat.

Massarde: A toast to me! Er… where _did_ I get this water…?

Dirk: Time to get out the ever-present handy-dandy supposedly-nonexistant gold coin!

Al: And do what?

Dirk: Escape by pushing ourselves head-first out of a moving truck while still handcuffed together.

Al: Sounds good.

Very hard sand: ZoomZoom.

Al: I mean bad!

Dirk: Too late. I want to.

Truck bed: *decides to try life as a sled*

Guards: *are oblivious*

Dirk: Al, I think we have a new entry for our list of Daring Ways to Escape.

Al: Yeah. Not much work left now, we're almost to the end of the movie.

Al: I shall sing of fish so as to ease the lack of water.

Kazim: I kill liars.

Massarde: And I'm definitely not one. Oh, by the way, the dead doctor has pointed out I'm a polluter. I don't mind being a murderer or anything, but I rather like Bambi and would like to cut your profits.

Kazim: I kill people who cut my profits.

Massarde: Only kidding.

Kazim: No one cares what I do because I'm in Africa.

Audience: *hang heads in shame and make notes to buy Darfur bracelets*

CIA guy: Congratulations. Your boys have incurred the full wrath of a military dictatorship.

Sandecker: So where are they? What are they doing?

CIA guy: They're in Mali, acting like lunatics.

Audience: Was that even worth calling in the favor?

Eisner: Yes! Stop questioning it! They're right here in the desert!

Dirk: This is heavy.

Al: It was your idea.

Kazim: I've got enough tanks to conquer Algeria. Do you think it's enough for catching two men?

Audience: Probably not.

Al: This looks like a good hill.

Dirk: Geranimo!

Al: Hey, a really old plane crash that's conveniently still here and unburied. The chances of us accidentally sledding into it when we could be anywhere in the Sahara are infinitesimal, but as the stars of the show, fate gave us loaded dice.

Dirk: Now we're really home free!

Plane: *is gone*

Dirk: Woooooohooooo! Hang ten! Wind surfin,' dude!

Al: When you told me to steer, did you have a destination in mind?

Sandecker: Dirk! You and Al are so grounded! It's way past your curfew! I don't know if I want to hug you or kill you!

Dirk: Masssarde's an evil pollution overlord.

Audience: Do we really need to hear this AGAIN?

Sandecker: Well, I didn't know it was Massarde. But anyway, guess what Dirk, you get to save the world 'cause there's no calvary!

Dirk: Didn't I say that was going to happen?

Scene 14: _Another Idea_, But Not Necessarily a Bright One

Guard: What kind of a trade is this? I get one coin for a whole truck? Then again, I suppose it was a Jeep…

Modibo: How'd you find me so fast? You didn't even know where you were, and I've moved since we talked last because the doctor – actually, you for some reason, but on the doctor's information – told me to. Where is she anyway?

Dirk: Who knows?

Al: Didn't you get the memo about us having loaded dice?

Dirk: Attack Massarde for us, please.

Modibo: How the heck am I supposed to do that?

Dirk: Fine, don't. You'd count as cavalry anyway. Literally.

Modibo: You can test-drive my car, though. If you're looking to buy.

Guard 1: Kazim's coming! Wake up!

Guard 2: Hide the alcohol!

Dirk: Man, you guys are drunk if you thought I was Kazim.

Modibo: Drunk on duty. Shame, shame. You're both in time out.

Al: Hi. How are ya? We'll just go through now, thanks.

Computer: You. Are. One. Dead. Idiot.

Massarde: What?

Kazim: I'm bored. Leave the army behind, will you? Things might get more exciting if I go into the heart of my enemies' territory without a guard.

Al: Well, this is easy. Everybody left so we could invade in peace.

Dirk: I don't think that was quite the idea. I don't know.

Modibo: My people!

Dirk: Oh, no. I think I know what's going on.

Al: Massarde's campaigning.

Dirk: Well, that's possible too, but meanwhile, he's going to blow up this building. Should we be worried about that helicopter out there?

Al: Nah, it's probably just a bored Kazim sight-seeing.

Dirk: Oh, ok. So anyway, we need to stop this place from blowing up so we can sell the evidence to the opposition party during his campaign. And anyway, an explosion might make the pollution permanent.

Al: Okay. So, I can do that. Then I get to be the hero of the story, right?

Dirk: Yeah, go ahead.

Al: Yipee!

Dirk: But I get to save the damsel in distress!

Eva: *offstage* If you _ever_ say that again, I swear I will quit this movie.

Eisner: But we're almost done!

Modibo: I smash you, gate of Massarde!

Tuareg: Yee-haw!

Audience: Um, where are they going?

Al: Okay, now… if I were a bomb, where would I be?

Computer: It's right here, you idiot!

Audience: Isn't that an abort button? Why can't he just push that?

Eisner: Where?

Audience: The one that says "Abort process? Yes/no."

Eisner: er…

Massarde: Come on, Eva.

Eva: I don't want to.

Al: Here, bomb! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Massarde: Admire my helicopter.

Eva: It's ugly.

Bomb: I'm in here.

Al: Let me in!

Dirk: Here I am to save the day.

Eva: Little late, aren't you?

Dirk: What? I got here fast as I could!

Eva: I bet you refused to ask for directions.

Massarde: Uh, guys? You're ruining my wonderful bad guy moment.

Dirk: Oh, sorry. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Turbaned Hit Man: How dare you insult the Dark Lord?

Massarde: Right, leave my evil minion to die in the explosion and take off before Dirk gets me.

Dirk: Ow!

Turbaned Hit Man: I ow more than you!

Dirk: No, I ow more than you!

Eva: Oh, _men_. This is ridiculous. *punches Massarde with her hands tied behind her back*

Massarde: Mommy!

Helicopter: Oh, no! There's a fight in me! Ahhh! *spins crazily in circles*

Turbaned Hit Man: *ducks*

Dirk: Ahh! A talking helicopter! *jumps off tower to get away*

Eisner: Woah, Dirk, you were supposed to catch the edge there and be dramatically dangling over a precipice! Get back here!

Eva: You guys are pathetic. *escapes helicopter on her own*

Massarde: Oh, whatever. Get me out of here so I can blow them _all_ up!

Turbaned Hit Man: *finally finishes ducking*

Eva: Hey, if he can take that long to get up, so can I. I think I'll just rest here for a bit and see if Dirk does anything useful for once.

Massarde: *pushes button of doom*

Computer: Your death commencing.

Al: Um… cancel?

Computer: That's back upstairs, remember?

Turbaned Hit Man: Ha, ha! You ran away from a helicopter!

Dirk: Ow.

Eva: Oh, _fine_. I will help you out.

Turbaned Hit Man: Oh, no! I have a person hanging on my windpipe!

Al: Okay. The key to success is positive thinking. Blue sky. Water. Money. Girls.

Dirk: Hey, I'm the star of the show! Why am I missing all the action?

Eisner: Same reason Peter Jackson sent Aragorn off a cliff.

Audience: Which was what? We never got that.

Dirk: Exactly!

Al: Maybe if I duck…?

Eva: Hey, how'd I get off his back? I was winning before, this isn't fair!

Eisner: Sorry, but I've got to give Dirk _something_ to do.

Eva: You mean my life depends on _him_ saving me? *faints in terror*

Computer: Starting long sequence of adjustments to allow time for the bomb to be disabled.

Massarde: Life sucks.

Dirk: *dangles dramatically over precipice*

Al: Guess I really should make a start on removing this bomb.

Turbaned Hit Man: Die!

Dirk: *falls off top of tower* Nooo! I'm the star, you can't do this to me!

Eisner: Calm down, you just climb back up again.

Dirk: Oh.

Turbaned Hit Man: I will now kill Eva. Leaving her unconscious on top of a ticking bomb isn't good enough, because this is a movie and they always get away when you do that.

Dirk: No you don't! *tackles hit man*

Computer: Slowly but surely examining long sequence of adjustments.

Al: No! I'm claustrophobic! Don't close the doors!

Dirk: *dodges knife*

Massarde: Hurry up and close the doors to continue the long sequence needed before my evil plan can be carried out!

Al: Oh, right, I'm supposed to be getting the bomb.

Dirk and Turbaned Hit Man: *fight*

Al: Forget the knife! I look more macho ripping metal with my bare hands!

Bombs: Took you long enough.

Dirk and Turbaned Hit Man: *fight*

Al: *removes bombs*

Dirk and Turbaned Hit Man: *fight*

Al: *removes bombs and runs*

Dirk: *kicks hit man off tower with both feet*

Eva: Is that even possible?

Dirk: But he'll just climb back up!

Eisner: No he won't, he's dead.

Audience: Yeah, he's not the star of the show.

Mirror: Ow. Why's it my job to catch him?

Computer: Slowly commencing count down.

Computer: Counting down.

Al: *runs screaming*

Massarde: Finally! I get to watch it all blow up! NO, I am not a pyro!

Fire: *burns everything in its path except Al, who has star protection*

Al: Star? You just said star! You all heard it, I'm the star!

Audience: Congratulations!

Al: Owowowow! This metal bar I'm hanging onto is melting!

Massarde: Life really sucks. *pouts*

Dirk: Hmm. Fireball coming out of the side of the tower. Interesting.

Al: …On second thought, I wouldn't have minded staying the amusing, safe side-kick.

Computer: What, you really thought that would work? They have hero-ness going for them, and you're just an idiotic cowardly two-faced sycophantic…

Massarde: Shut up!

Dirk: Eva! I saved you!

Eva: Yeah, good job. I only had to save you first so you'd be able to.

Scene 15: _Cover_ Will Show Up Out of Nowhere Just When Needed

Dirk: Watch me break screen direction continuity!

Editor: Nooooooooooo! He's taken the movie class of doom! *runs screaming to a corner where she curls into a ball and moans*

Eisner: Oh. Guess I didn't take that class, 'cause I didn't even catch that. Was it bad?

Editor: *sobs*

Eva: What are you guys wearing?

Al: The soldiers' dirty laundry. No idea where we got it. Blame Dirk.

Eva: Dirk. That explains everything.

Al: Where's the nearest gas station?

Dirk: Stars don't need gas stations! Our cars run forever!

Eva: I thought it was Kazim's car?

Dirk: Spoils of war.

Eva: Modibo's then.

Dirk: Ours now.

Kazim: Hey, that's my car! Shoot it!

Al: We're in trouble.

Dirk: Sure. *drives into fort*

Kazim: *shoots BB gun until they're safely inside, then switches to missiles*

Dirk: Explosives would be nice.

Al: For what?

Dirk: …

Al: Because I kept the ones from Massarde's as souvenirs.

Dirk: Give them to Eva. But let me insult her first.

Eva: Did I ever mention that you two worry me?

Dirk: Door! I want a door!

Eva: Well, if you'd turned left back at the mess hall there would have been one! Men. They never ask for directions.

Al: Don't worry, I can fix this. I took lessons with Vinny after he got back from Atlantis.

Al: Wait, I left my hat inside!

Eva: Oh, who cares?

Al: *pouts*

Kazim: They're shooting at me! How dare they!

Dirk: Eva, get in the back. I want the front to myself. Oh, and Al? You can let her hold the explosives now.

Giant Sand Hill: *appears out of nowhere*

Dirk: Okay, we're going to blow that up, and hide in the ship underneath it, can you handle that?

Eva: Yeah, I think so.

Al: Wait, why's the ship out here? We've been driving at warp speed for a while now…_away_ from the fort…

Kazim: This is no fun anymore. They were supposed to line up so I could shoot them.

Eva: You know, this is a really long hill. We're pretty lucky to blow up the exact part with the ship underneath.

Audience: When are we going to see?

Ship of Death: Finally, I make my return, and at full-scale! The fans love me!

Continuity experts: What the heck is that pipe they just crawled up? A piece of Massarde's overgrown sewer leaned against the deck?

Ship of Death: Part of my costume!

Eva: I just had a thought. Do we really want to be in something referred to as "the ship of death"?

Dirk: Don't worry, this is an iron-clad, right? So it was armored by Civil War standards. That means it will work today, too. And Kazim's going to run out of gas.

Al: His car didn't.

Eva: Um…civil war standards?

Kazim: *jaw hits ground from all the way up in helicopter* What…? Oh well, when in doubt – shoot it!

Ship of Death: Ow! Agony!

Al: Love the plan, Dirk. Only a slight problem.

Dirk: How was I supposed to know he had armor-piercing rounds? Just because he's a military dictator in his own private kill-all-opposition helicopter…

Eva: Why don't you two go reread your scripts to figure out what you're supposed to do, while I try out various sitting positions?

Dirk: Cannon!

Al: But it's old!

Dirk: For the Civil War, it was brand new!

Al: Yeah, and just think how well that logic worked the first time! Armored by Civil War standards…

Dirk: Well, if it blows up, we'll all be tragic heroes!

Eva: Wait a minute, what if we don't want to be?

Al: I think I'll go outside to help you open the gun port, because things like this are always easiest when forced from the side they're not meant to open from.

Eisner: Wait! Kazim, get out of there for a sec so he can do that!

Kazim: Righto! I'll just use the restroom. Call me when you need me back on set!

Gun port: *opens*

Eisner: Okay, you can come back.

Al: You could have waited for me to get back in.

Eva: Well, you're back now.

Al: I suppose. Dirk, you suck!

Dirk: You're slow.

Al: Am not!

Dirk: Are too!

Eva: Excuse me?

Al: Brought you coffee…

Dirk: Did not!

Eva: Guys?

Al: Did too!

Dirk: Did not!

Eva: Boys! Sit down, be quiet, and look at all the tanks that came to see us!

Al: We're all gonna die.

Tanks: *miss, though close enough to rock the ship artistically*

Scene 16: _Cut the Head off the Snake_ And Hope It Doesn't Grow Another One

Dirk: Okay, let's shoot Kazim with the cannon.

Al: Why?

Dirk: Because he annoys me!

Al: Okay. I'll find the cannonball.

Dirk: Eva, go find me some carrot sticks.

Eva: There sure are a lot of empty boxes around here.

Ship of Death: You're on the wrong level; the kitchen's one floor down. Here, let me help you.

Eva: *falls through floor and lands on a dead man clutching a carrot stick*

Eva: Found it!

Audience: How'd you get back up? And where'd the hole in the floor go?

Ship of Death: Magic.

Eva: Of course. Anyway, Dirk, I don't think you want to eat this, 'cause the last guy who tried is dead.

Dirk: Oh well, I'll just use it for the cannon then.

Fireball: *explodes through gun port destroying everything but the cannon*

Audience: Hey, the cannon has star protection too! This could actually work!

Dirk: Shiny!

Al: Treasure!

Dirk: Right, our quest is finished. Now let's just shoot Kazim already.

Cannon: I'm going to save the day!

Audience: *holds breath*

Cannon: Just kidding.

Al: This is getting old.

Cannon: Okay, this time I really mean it.

Kazim: Yeah, right. It's a bowling ball.

Cannon: Wanna bet?

Kazim: *panics*

Bowling Ball: *explodes*

Dirk, Al, and Eva: Oh my gosh, the helicopter we just shot is exploding! No way we expected that!

Soldiers: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Dirk, Al, and Eva: Take that!

Soldiers: Okay, now we're really angry!

Dirk, Al, and Eva: Oops.

Soldiers: Nevermind, we surrender.

Eva: Much better.

Dirk: How'd that actually work?

Al: No idea.

Modibo: I might know.

Dirk: You mean there actually was cavalry?

Al: About time!

Eva: I love this.

Tuareg: We surround you in a grand finish!

Audience: Oooo!

Ambassador: We really did wonderfully. Everything's great.

Sandecker: About time.

Ambassador: Yes, that's what I thought. So, how's the treasure recovery going?

Sandecker: What treasure?

Ambassador: I heard there was American treasure –

Sandecker: Wild rumor.

Gold: *sits in cave in Modibo's village, laughing at Al who still sucks at hacky-sack*

Ambassador: The government has realized it can't control you, so it would like to hire you and make your free-reign legitimate.

Sandecker: I hate politics.

Ambassador: Well, we know, but we won't make you do any politics. They just want to give you money so you'll listen if they want something.

Sandecker: Do I actually have to obey when they want something, or just show up and listen?

Ambassador: Just show up and listen.

Sandecker: How much money? Can I get a new boat?

Ambassador: Absolutely.

Sandecker: And ridiculously high-tech cutting edge computers for Rudi?

Rudi: I wouldn't know how to –

Ambassador: Of course.

Sandecker: A mansion in Hollywood?

Ambassador: Certainly!

Sandecker: Well… I guess I could agree to that, but only if you finish off one last plot point…

C.I.A. Guy: *serves Massarde water*

Audience: …

Eisner: It's got the pollution in it! It's poetic justice! _Honestly_, you people!

Dirk: And here we are at our happy ending.

Eva: I do love happy endings.

Dirk: Let me build up a romantic-seeming dialogue so I can reinforce my insult from the desert.

Eva: Oh well, the movie's over now anyway. I guess I'll just drown you.

Dirk: You love me.

Eva: …the water, maybe.

Crazy-souped-up car: I am _not_ a peeping tom!

Scene 17: _The Fearless Crew_

Eisner: Oh, that's just the credits.

Audience: *feels cheated*


End file.
